I am still lingering in this puddle of goo that got my steps stuck in place and sinking years and years ago. I still remember sitting in a corner in high school and coming 30 minutes late to class with my puffy and red eyes because I just couldn't handle rejection from people, or the smallest failures. My history of depression isn't new but of course back then I just thought I was a sad human and a moody teenager.
Fast forward trying to figure out what human i was exactly, which took a few years (and is still in process). Now I know that depression has been affecting my brain for that long, and also took a absolute wild violent punch at my mind after I put a foot on Canadian grounds the day I came back from a dream year in Japan on August 8th 2011. Since then I've visited the depths of the darkness of my mind as well as the white corridors of the hospital. Then after a year of counselling and drugging myself every night with these little white pills, it stopped the fast route down the ditch, but I now find myself in a place that isn't much better than it was.
I know I should do something about it, but it is so overwhelming and hard to see the different paths and options when people tell me to just "do something" or "at least try" or at least "start to do something about it" and I become so angry at both myself and the other person for even thinking about it, because my mind is clogged with all these different options that are all as bad as the others and I cannot seem to see any good ones that will ever get me to a nice point where I can consider my life nice, successful and happy.